I've managed to get out climbing a couple of times since my first post aswell as a few indoor bouldering sessions. I'm climbing better, feel strong, feel fit, feel in control......or at least I thought I did!
My first venture outside was to Wilton 3 quarry, part of a family of 4, nestled in the hills above Bolton. For anyone who doesn't know the Wilton family, they appear such a lovely bunch on first meeting them, but don't let the seductive sweet smile of quarried gritstone lull you into a false sense of security, they will quite happily reduce the unsuspecting folk to quivering wrecks. This is Lancashire!
My buddy for the day Chris, is a relative novice, particularly to outside trad climbing, being more of a gym rat! So I set off up Parallel Cracks S4a. No dramas, all very smooth.
We moved onto Forked Cracks VS4b. Again no dramas, we both cruised to the top in no time.
We then moved to rappel wall area and I set off up Mo VS 4b. I got to 2/3rds height and backed off1
Now, for those who don't know me, I sometimes struggle with the head games in climbing, the psychology. I can literally be paralysed with fear, all rational thought and control gone, I have to fight like mad against this. It is a climbers worst nightmare, like a golfer with the yips. It is extremely hard to break the pattern.
To finish and to restore some confidence, we finished with Oak Leaf Crack VD......totally in control, I have to finish on a positive note and although VD is easy, trust me, having backed off one moments earlier, topping out on anything straight after is a big personal achievement!
My next outdoor trip was over to Stanage in the peak district. I have a strong affinity with Stanage stretching back many years. I did my first ever VS lead here many moons ago. Today however, I just wasn't in the mood. I'd been looking forward to the trip all week, the weather forecast being perfect and despite my 'setback' at Wilton, I was feeling confident.
The day arrived and all that changed. Even whilst packing my gear in the car before setting off, I could feel the fear creeping up on me. The uncertainty, the nervousness, the doubts.
I was climbing that day with Sharon, technically a really good climber but also short on confidence sometimes. So we started with Black Hawk Traverse Left VD 3*. For all my time spent at Stanage, I'd never done his route. the technical 'crux' is quite low down and nothing too hard. But technical difficulty isn't the problem for me. I cruised up to 2/3rds height and then started to feel the panic appear. I had to force every sinew of myself to concentrate on the task at hand, on the climbing, nothing else. I forced myself to breath deep and slow and then made the final moves to the top. It is a fantastic feeling, to have conquered not only the route, but also my own personal fear.
Stanage by now was like Market Street in Manchester on a Saturday afternoon. There was even a drone buzzing annoyingly overhead, like having a giant wasp buzzing next to you! I knew I was struggling, my poor climbing form and subsequent mood making me less tolerant of things around me. I really wasn't enjoying the day!
We moved to Hollybush Crack, again VD 3*. Sharon led and climbed it superbly, never missing a beat and so smooth. I followed and climbed fine til about 10 feet from the top. I was trying to retrieve Sharon's last cam. It got stuck, I got panicky, it wasn't pretty. I eventually got the gear out and composed myself to top out. But by now I really wasn't happy.
I decided to try and 'shock' this feeling out of my system and try something harder. Foolish? Maybe!
We moved to Heather Wall VS 4c. I lead smoothly to half height. I'd done the technical crux and had maybe 2 more testing moves before easy ground. So why did I panic? why did I back off?
I felt quite low afterwards. Thinking it was a mistake to try it. But now, after thought, I don't believe that to be the case. I don't believe the day was a total failure and in fact I'm taking more positives than negatives from it. I did climb some stuff and I did climb well and confidently at times. I did manage to control my fears for the most part. It has also shown me what I need to work on. My technique, my physical ability are not in question. My mental strength definitely is!
This journey, to becoming a mountain guide, is more than just being physically competent for me personally. I know I will also have to battle my own personal climbing demons to achieve my goal. But I WILL do it, I WILL beat this fear and achieve my goal!
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